so today, after dropping zaria off to nursery at 9am, with me like a zombie, eyes so sore as i have hurt them continuously each day for over two weeks, so upset and desperate as a single mother with no family help (that phrase is a broken record in my head), all i do when i get back home today is listen to a little bit of russell brand’s new best seller list book ‘recovery’, thanks russell. and then get into bed with the hope that yes, once again i escape into dreams. i think i have done this three times since being on my own with zaria. i shall not feel guilty.
the other morning i was in a vogue fashion shoot. surrounded by utter beauty, like the whole scene is filmed with a filter, they gave me a makeover, a new hair cut my hair is actually down and done, amazing well fitting rich clothes on a trim body, some good lighting. and i could look in the mirror. more than this, i liked looking in the mirror. i can smile at myself, i looked a sneaky peek at the corner of the mirror and i thought “oh, theres the real me…’ an air brushed version of me, a thinner, more happy me like every metre of the depression pit is removed with every inch of unwanted fat. kylie jenner was there also looking beautiful, with her little baby belly and we were joking and becoming friends. anna wintour walked past at some point. oh, how my dreams differ so very much from reality. i was not afraid of my photo being taken.
Q. what has started me off on this self destructive path yet again?
it is important as you try to get better, and recover from whatever it is you are struggling with, to retrace your footsteps, retrace the path, the external events and especially retrace the thoughts. where did the change in thoughts happen?
i was so happy. but i will let you into a little secret… external events were playing a part. i was only really at the core happy as he was back in contact. i mean i had managed to claw my way up out of the pit again a little bit by myself, even started running which was boosting my levels of good feeling thoughts and tackling my on going issue of too much weight. i was listening to my happy playlist, even when i felt anything but. i was chopping down new happy neuropathways with nothing except my own determination, pulling up weeds, being beyonce and singing from my soul. i am a powerful manifestor. god has heard my prayers. the law of attraction is attraction what i know i deserve. he gets in contact and of course all this talk again of change, i love you, i miss you, and wanting to be a family and to be together and christmas (a child is not just for christmas, if you are reading this L). i am not sucked in initially, not at all. Not at all. in fact quite the opposite. but those happy levels do increase as i do think my original dream is coming true, i will have the family i always wanted, one dream that without this man in it means i will never ever get it. some dreams do have an expiry date.
so when contact is abruptly stopped yet again by him, it is like i have been pushed back into the pit. just as i was climbing out, think to that shot in game of thrones, episode one, where whats his name is pushed off the wall. i fall right back down. landing on shattered pieces of the dream. shattered pieces of my heart, grief, this is grief, it helps to give it a name, there has been a death, my dream has died and like any death of something you loved so so much if it came back into your life would you not try to hold it again? i am in fragments. again like cinderella who can not believe anymore and runs to the garden to cry, sobbing painfully hard that she can’t believe anymore and then the fairy godmother appears.
zaria calls cinderella Sillyrella, and i feel i am such a fool for going back to this dream. and there is anger as no fairy godmother appears. anger at the world, when is it my chance? anger at being stuck, trapped. squashed, same situation for 18 years. so powerless, and just so very tired of trying. help me help me help me. make something good happen. thinking of what is missing rather than what i have.
and so i rub my eyes, how else can i express how i am. i start rubbing my face to stop me rubbing my eyes. the itch scratch cycle starts again. round and round in circles, unable to go out, desperate to go out, desperate for help.
this time there has been more tears though, this is good. i was unable to cry for decades.
this time i just wait it out, wait for the feelings to pass, as i know they do pass. but it takes longer this time.
this time i sleep if i need to, i eat crap if i want to (I dont) and i try to put myself back on tracks.
this time generally my dreams are amazing, i must be healed on some level these dreams are the thing that gets me writing. i believe in my own story.
this time a shooter killed almost 60 people in Las Vegas. i stop thinking so much about me.
the self, selfish, self obsession, self depression ego state finally dissolves, yes dissolves, like a dense mist clearing i would say. yes i try to change my thoughts and pretend but the happiness of two weeks ago seems like a dream in itself, i can’t get back to it. please stop telling me to not believe my thoughts for it is not the thoughts but the reality that is real and i am sick of trying to try.
just be with me whilst the mist clears. know there is a plan for me, a way out of the misery.
let me just lay on the bench being cinderella stuck in a fucking fairytale crying with no fairy godmother appearing to dress me in amazing clothes and do my hair and makeup and let me like what i see in the mirror, like in my dream. let me be in ptsd mode.
i am sick of writing it now, and no doubt you are sick of reading it if you are one who is blessed to not know what i am talking about…
but, if you resonate with this… you will manage to climb up the pit again… you will.
- give yourself time. actually give sometime to care for you. what do you need?
- tune in to a higher power (who i was pleading to help me two days ago) tune back into the universe.
- tune back in to the knowledge of your path
- know that there is a path, your unique one. get back on it
- pause for gratitude, gratitude, gratitude… the magic ingredient, the magic, seeing the magic and being thankful for it all. (the photo on this blog even popped up as a picture on my instagram with the fairy godmother on it. the fairy godmother is gratitude.)
if you are struggling, please share your struggles. there are good people out there who get it and who listen. be kind to yourself. i will listen to you.
tonight is a full moon, write down on a piece of paper what you would like to let go of, and on other piece what you would like to bring into your life. then, in a safe place outside, burn your lists and KNOW that the universe is taking care of it all.