May 2005

3rd May
Today has been such a great day. Nothing amazing has happened but I have felt very much in control and relaxed and patient!! All that last week was PMT, worst in a long time, years. It was all made worse by the fact that I wasn’t sure if it was PMT and didn’t have a clue what was happening with my body or when my period would arrive!
Things have been a bit weird with Jim but although he is doing my head in a bit I do think he’s so good for me. I did his head in last week and apparently told him (when I was really drunk, no recollection) that I was insecure 80% of the time which he of course finds very unattractive. I do not believe I am 80% insecure but I guess having nearly 2 weeks of bad days had led me to say such a thing. Anyway, it seems cool now. I just want to take each day as it comes, such a contrast from last month! But I feel like I’m going to like it being normal.

5th May
Today has been wonderful as I felt so normal, relaxed. Nothing amazing happened. I feel positive and patient. I hope such feelings last!

6th May
It’s been normal today too, but I’ve not enjoyed it as much! I got confused when Jim texted me at work saying he was busy tonight and asking me what my plans were. My plans were to see him. I thought that was his plan. It’s just such a change from last month. Already I have started thinking about Paul and whether it’ll work. But does that mean I’m just a dreamer who needs to put my feet back on the ground?
I wonder what tomorrow will bring. It’s like all my life, the last ten years at least, I’ve longed to be with a man like Jim. Last month was wonderful but now I’m wondering if I’m actually right for the type of man I’ve been dreaming of being with for ten years!

7th May
Feeling much more positive and philosophical about it all today. Had a good workout and that helped sort my head out. Realised that just as I was feeling comfortable enough to tell Jim all about ‘me’, he pulled away and now I’m not sure I can trust him. I told him this, on the phone. I didn’t feel much like seeing him today anyway. I suggested maybe we should take a break for a few weeks until he gets back from Thailand. He said “that’s one hell of a long break”.
He seems to be freaking out a bit, about the house he’s planning to buy, about things being great (!) with me, about how lucky he is to have a family who love him, friends who support him. It all seems a bit too grown up I guess and I think he’s running from the commitment.
As usual, Kayell has been a great source of support and honesty. I am so blessed to have her around. Have just spent a lovely day with Nisha and am not panicking about a thing! How refreshing!
It’s all rama. X

Life is like this beautiful poem
Perfect and confusing
With no one really sure
What it’s all about.

Sometimes it flows

8th May
Feeling ok. The Jim and Jen confusion remains although it all makes sense to me, I just have not seen him to tell him.
I think it’s like this. I met Jim, he was looking to change, settle down. He met me who he falls in love with as I am so very lovely to him. I fall in love with him as he makes me feel like the person I want to be, I also want to change.
A month of talk of marriage, babies, even a pregnancy scare, moving in, the cost of engagement rings, who’d be the bridesmaids and who’d be his best man, passes.
It gets too much to keep up the pretence, although neither of us is playing a game. We both want the changes but the old us creeps back. Jim needs to withdraw so starts going out more and more, or being on his own more and more. I don’t want to tell Jim about the old me so I don’t; my skin gets worse and I start changing but I still can’t talk as Jim has pulled away just as I started to trust him, just as I felt I could talk about the old me.
SO here we are!
I have no idea what will happen next! What I would like to happen is
To tell Jim all about the other/old me
To try and be together!
Watch this space ……

9th May
I split up with Jim today. He said he didn’t want to be with someone who had children. We were meant to meet tomorrow and talk about it but I just couldn’t be treated like it anymore.
I’m kind of regretting it now.
He never read the letter. I can’t give it to him now.
Have been listening to all the songs he has left me, just keep crying here and there. Am terrified I won’t find a love like this again. At the same time, I do feel positive. I have learnt lots. I wish I’d opened up earlier but I didn’t. That was the way it was meant to be this time round.

10th May ’05 8a.m.
Oh, I feel so happy! It all makes sense, this crazy life. Talked to Jim late last night, he didn’t get the text that I dumped him. So I told him, we talked. He said he was mixed up because he didn’t want a relationship with someone who has a child. And I felt so happy about that because it’s the one thing about me that I cannot change. That’s so refreshing! I don’t want to change that huge part of me! I feel so happy with myself. I don’t care what Jim does. He will accept me as I am or not. I don’t care! He’s coming round later. I think I’ll let him read that letter I wrote the other day as I really feel all that shit is all in the past.
I think I’ve found an ending to my second book, the romance, the answer to the Paul Evans’ enigma. He was my search for self-love.
I have found it.
I hope I can hold on to it.

Later …..
Oh, I am so in love!
Listening to songs Jim made me. I am so in love with him and I need him so badly. I need him to help me hold on the real me.
He didn’t come round, promises to come round tomorrow.
I guess with the whole thing he said about not wanting to get involved with someone who has a child, which is who I am and can’t be changed, well I never wanted to get involved with someone who is a party animal* But that’s who he is and I can’t change it. I don’t want to change it. I do hope he comes around and says the same thing about me being a mummy. *cocaine freak.
I think we would make each other, and let each other, grow.
He’s perfect for me, but he’s not perfect.

Oh my God, the world is spinning through space. I feel so unsafe.
There are lives everywhere, doing something right now.

I don’t need him to fix my wings.
But I need him to remind me I can fly.

11th May
Dear Diary
Help me make sense of all this!
Jim cancelled coming round tonight as well! I just want an end to all of this.
I don’t understand.
Trying to think it’s all the way it’s meant to be, but it’s so hard to hold on to it.
I am so worried I’ll never find love like this again. It was what I always dreamt of, and I’m a good person, I just want my dreams to come true.
Tomorrow is another day. Be patient. I just want to find love.
I haven’t a clue what Jim may say. I do think he’s going to say that he just got caught up in it all and has made a mistake. And if that is so then I’m so glad it’s happening now, only after 5 months of splitting from Si. The only problem is I cannot imagine for one second finding anyone as attractive as I find Jim*
I really can’t.
*hahaha he’s disgusting!!

But that’s silly as only today a really gorgeous man smiled at me as I walked up the street and I thought I’d like to talk to him.
This is so crazy! I hate feeling like this! Only 24 hours and, if Jim actually turns up, I’ll be out of this misery, and in to a different emotion, then again, maybe he’ll ask me to marry him. I’d say yes! I am so crazy, aren’t I diary?!
I guess I wouldn’t have it any other way.
This big test is to see if I can cope with it all without rubbing eyes or face.
The only thing I can think of, in a future without Jim, is Paul Bloody Evans! Oh for fuck’s sake when will this be resolved???
Can’t even remember the last time I saw Jim.

‘How many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
all the love is in my mind?’
The Verve

A practice run, perhaps? I have learnt one hell of a lot, about love.
I really, truly do not believe I have loved someone before, before Jim.
It’s such a grown up love. *THIS IS HILARIOUS TO READ
Definitely a lesson I had to learn.
Whatever he says is the way it’s meant to be for me. I feel he has been my teacher and I am still learning from him.

14th May
Jim and I are no longer together but we want to meet up whenever and talk. Could be a week or a year, who knows?
I realise what happened. I, not feeling beautiful as had been scratching my skin, had started to drain his energy as I was relying on him to make me feel beautiful. He, in return, feeling drained, became selfish. I didn’t realise that in the past he had been too giving. Some of his friends said that “It was about time” he became selfish.
And I’ve been so fine on my own!
Today has been the best day of my life; nothing spectacular has happened. I’ve been at work. I’ve been so happy and positive, even though the day started a bit badly as I feel like I really want to be with my soul mate and I have so much love to give. I thought the day would drag. But eventually I just stayed in the moment and did what makes me happy at work, reading etc., as well as working very well. I even saw some guy today, our eyes locked and my stomach flipped. I’m sure he could sense it. But that was all. He was with his girlfriend anyhow. I wonder what that means? I hope it means that I’m in tune and will, from now on, realise connections with people. Maybe this is how you feel when you meet your soul mate? That certainly would be amazing. And it has rained all day, have been so cold, think am coming down with something……and still feel so balanced.
If you love someone, set them free
If they return it was meant to be.

Jim left a key here that he thought was mine. He needs it back. I wonder if that happened because we were meant to see each other again soon.
Will have to wait and see!
I called my parents up the other day to say “Guess what? I think I’ve finally grown up!” I feel so in control, know who I am, am happy with who I am, love life, feel so blessed, feel that I can get what I want.

What I want is this:
to find my soul mate
to write my book
to be a good mother
to continue to feel beautiful
to be a good person

I wish I’d bought the Big Issue off the Somerfield Guy. I must do that next time I see him.

I have found my voice.

15th May
Last 3 Sundays when I’m working have been so great but today after a weekend of work I’m home alone, dinner on my own. I’m meeting Em later so it’s ok. I can’t stop thinking about Si. Oh my God, I didn’t mean to write that. I was thinking of Jim. I can’t stop thinking about Jim. Oh but shit now I’m thinking about Si!
(Anyway, 3 fortnight Sundays ago I was out at the pub 3 Fat Fish. Met Jim. 2 fortnight Sundays ago I was out with Sarah, Lee and Jim. The last fortnight Sunday I was in the pub with Jim and all his mates, getting hideously drunk and saying all sorts of stuff to Jim, that I cannot really recall.
Wow! What a crazy time. I miss it.
On the Sundays in between ? – I am away in Bexhill, then I’m not sure, then we watch that film, then we’re not together, and so I dump him the next day!)
So this Sunday I go out and I feel so beautiful. It’s an eventful Sunday even though not much happens. I just feel so centred and calm and happy and beautiful. Missed Jim, but saw two men I was attracted to. It’s like I’ve worked out who I’m attracted to but now I have the confidence to perhaps get someone interested, if I was interested in all that at the moment.

16th May
Time has slowed down so much it’s driving me crazy. I have done lots today and have been feeling so relaxed and in control and on the right path.
But I am so missing him. It’s been 1½ days since I heard from him and since he heard from me. I am dying to bump in to him and let him know what I think went wrong with us and that I think we should try again.
Oh God, I’m so ready for love. I pray that I meet my soul mate.
Went in to Somerfield to get some change to buy the Big Issue and when I came out of the shop, the seller was gone! That made me smile.
Relapse. couldn’t sleep. rubbed eyes and face. feel awful. can’t stop sneezing. middle of the night. It didn’t bring me any relief. Has just made me feel utterly awful.

17th May
Oh, I’m so fed up with this taking each day as it comes thing. I hate being on my own each evening. But I have been picking up the phone and talking. I’d say today was a bad day. I phoned Jim, no answer, he called me back. I said, after small talk, that I like to see him soon and he said “Mmmm” meaning “I thought we said after I come back from Thailand”. So I feel like I’ve fucked that up, but at least I can move on a little bit as it doesn’t appear he’s that bothered. Bed soon, hope I sleep well. Tomorrow’s another day, after all!

18th May
A good day, even though did lots of things wrong at work! Just feel like I’m learning from it, not annoyed about it. How grown up!
Texted Jim a bit, we nearly fell out but it’s okay. He needs space. I need a test. Whatever happens, I have faith in it!

19th May
Another good day! It ain’t been great, nothing exciting happened. Just been so focused and relaxed. Cool! An old lady told me I was very beautiful. I feel beautiful inside and out!
It seems like so long since I saw Jim, one week but since I saw him in a romantic way it’s been ages. Am worried he’s just going to forget about it all. I guess it’s because I find myself moving on from it so fast. I just wish he’d get in touch. There’s so much I don’t know about him. Please, God, let us meet up again soon. Please don’t let him be just another lesson I had to learn. I really need to talk to him. Am pretty sad I’m not going to the wedding tomorrow. Oh wow, what a crazy couple of months.
What I think is that if Jim came back, he’d slot into my life perfectly now. That’s the missing piece! Before the puzzle was only half done.

20th May
It’s been a good day at work. But these evenings alone are hard. Today I was meant to be going to a wedding with Jim and it’s made me pretty sad at times. I wonder what he’s up to. I wish he would get in touch. I really need to talk to him about things.
Time may be the greatest healer, but time is running so slow and time is hard to fill.

21st May
Had a dream about Jim. He came round to my parents’ house and said it wasn’t working because I didn’t like his hair, he’s shaved it off. I get mad at him, throwing stuff and hitting him till eventually he goes. I never said that about his hair.
22nd May
Went out last night and had a good time, Timepiece with Susan and Kayell. Bumped in to a couple of Jim’s friends and said how much I really want to talk to him but he needs space. Apparently he had a shit time at the wedding which cheered me up no end! Today I feel happy/sad/happy/sad, balancing myself somewhere in the middle. Still feel so blessed, think I am finally getting used to the time-slowing-down thing, which is good as it has been so strange.

Finally, Jim got in touch. He has met a girl who he is in love with. He met her a few months ago and they went out for a short while. He is so lucky. * WHY HAVE I NOT WRITTEN TOSSER HERE? We had a good talk, nearly an hour and it’s all cool. It’s so exciting for my book! I can’t stop thinking about Paul, but have to concentrate on writing, not the future. It’s been ten weeks to the day, a Sunday. I’m so happy not to be in limbo anymore.

23rd Oasis day on Radio 1

24th May
Woke feeling so tired, dragged myself to school then came home and went back to bed. Had a dream:-

Am driving red car (bashed at back) with Nisha. I try to get up this hill, it’s very steep and I can’t get the car in to first gear, so the car starts slipping back down the hill and I have to manoeuvre it between parked cars, trying not to hit them until the road goes up again and so I stop. Two very gorgeous policemen help me 

Got Coldplay single. Fantastic.

‘If you never try then you’ll never know’

Got the fear about writing my book. Cried. It was the strangest feeling, no self-pity, only fear of success. Never had that before.

Later…… idiot
Watched video of Jim “rockin”. It made me smile but it’s ten years ago and he hasn’t changed. Made me want to move away from Exeter. I don’t want to stay the same like that.
And am sad as am alone when I want to share my life with someone. Am getting used to the time thing. Am getting used to my beauty.
I keep thinking things aren’t over with Jim. But who knows?
I wonder what will happen tomorrow.
Lesson for today
I hate being hateful
Kl said today that she thinks some people are born evil……I hate that way of thinking. She thinks that being loving is draining. I have a feeling we could end up falling out.

Watched ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ – it really reminded me of Jim, as the Holly Golightly character and me the writer. How bizarre. I keep thinking that things aren’t over between us, the rest is unwritten. It’s very strange. But just going to concentrate on making myself beautiful, inside and out.
Am not going to look for Paul. Not at the moment anyway.

Today woke up feeling so tired and confused about the last 2 months. Am fearful about losing this positivity. It’s only 8.30. I wonder what will happen today.
Busy day but now feel so jaded, so fat, so cynical about love. I hate it! Am so confused about the Jim Paul things. Please God bring back the love I felt. Jo says all men are bastards. I don’t want to think this but it’s creeping in. Self-love seems to be going as skin great but feel fat.
Oh God, bring back the love. It gave me so much power.
Hate No 2: Not believing in love!
No signs today. Bring back my faith in love.
Love is going, self-love diminishing.
Earlier on I rubbed my eyes so that I could feel normal…I hate feeling normal!
Guess I’ll just have to get used to being loved up and full of wonder.

‘Oh my star is fading
And I swim out of control’.

Watched ‘Sex and City’, feel better.
the one where Carrie writes her book

Maybe will find love tomorrow!

‘Why do we get sad about the one thing we don’t have?’

Tomorrow will make myself look beautiful and believe in love!

Good couple of days, keeping happy and learning lots about myself.
God bless my family and friends. Please let me meet up with Alison Tuesday and please let Jim come round Tuesday night.

30th May
Saw Alison today so thank you God for answering that prayer. We had a really nice lunch at her house and she drove Nisha around on her lawn mower. It was so sweet!
Maybe prayer No 2 will be answered, seeing Jim. He is so fast becoming this distant memory and I totally hate it.
Please God let him visit tomorrow evening. Please God let me find the love to write and to live.
Thank you for all my blessings x

31st May
A couple who I thought were perfect break up. My belief in love is fading and so with it my desire to write.
Jim didn’t come round. Fuck him.