March 2005

1st March
Had a Paul Evans dream last night.
I was at a party with no one I recognised. Just as I was going home I get a text from Paul saying how he was always thinking about me and that he thinks I’m his soul mate and that he wants to meet.
I am disappointed and happy on waking, that I don’t have his number, happy that his dreams leave me feeling so positive. I will carry on praying that we meet or that I hear from him.
rubbed one eye. Am so worried. Why can’t I stop? What is going wrong?
Feel invaded. Try to do routine, can’t
Nisha is in my bed. Don’t sleep so well
Making house nice, don’t really want to be here
Where else could I go?
Feel like a child, can’t say no
People pleaser
Can’t see
Can’t wear make-up
Can’t go shopping
Haven’t been going to gym
Can’t pamper myself
Feel so controlled
House such a mess
Parents arguing

What would you like?

To move away to my own house, in Lewes or round about Brighton. The house would be as good as, or better than this one.
To feel happy on my own.
To be in touch with Paul again.
To get out of my trap that I make for myself when I rub my eyes.

Things I have achieved

Painted house
Bought things have wanted to buy for ages
Stopped panicking about future
Got a job
Finally single
Cleared the past

2nd March
Rubbed eyes again.
Worried about my dad. He needs love.
“ “ my job
“ “ my eyes

3rd March
Have carpet! It’s been a tense day with my dad, morning rather, but has ended better. Eyes are getting better, back to work Wednesday. Have weekend to make house lovely. Just got to make it through to the morning without rubbing eyes and I’ll be back on the road to mending myself and my life.
Tomorrow I hope to
Go to gym
Go into town
Paint living room, blue lots
Have fun night out with Susan

6th March ‘Mother’s Day’
Exhausted, went out last night. Si was at place I went to even though I told him I would be there. He introduced me to his new Topsham friends but I wasn’t wanting to meet them. Last view of him was him walking out with short girl with blond hair, didn’t see her face. They weren’t hand in hand or anything, just laughing.
He didn’t go to work next morning, I checked. I have been so annoyed all day as I had Nisha so he could go to work. He didn’t get me a Mother’s Day present. Feel I have been giving and doing too much.
Am not as over him as I thought.
I feel so lost, like I don’t know what I want to do or where I am going to.
My dad is still here doing house which looks fantastic. But it is nicer to be here. Still not sure if want to be here. Probably meant to be here. Want to be near P.E. (Paul) but haven’t a clue where he is.

8th March
Dad went away today. Already I feel a bit lonely but at least I am lonely in much nicer surroundings. Tomorrow back to work, not looking forward to it. I have PMT, hence the negativity. You never know what may happen tomorrow. Maybe P will send a letter, maybe wishes come true.

13th March
It’s been okay. Work was okay.
I haven’t felt that lonely either. My mind hasn’t drifted to Si very much. I’ve had some fun, some ‘me’ time. Nisha has been driving me a bit mad, answering back and wearing me down. Si had her all day today. I miss her! I need to try to be a better mummy. Sometimes I feel as though I’m getting to be a bit like Kayell is with Orla, shouting in an amazingly booming voice, I hate it. But it is getting so tiring being on my own with her.
Tomorrow I hope to
Go to the gym
Go to help at Nisha’s school

24th March
I have met such a wonderful man. He is called Jim and he so totally reminds me of Paul, in his attitude. I think he is exactly what I need. I feel so blessed, have such a fantastic daughter, wonderful friends, supportive family, lovely job, and now a new boyfriend who is so in to me.
Thank you God and the universe.

I had to sit down to kiss him – not tall enough

31st March
Got back from parents yesterday. It was good to see them and we all got on pretty well. Got my new car which is totally great and I really like driving it. Have missed Jim quite a bit, which is a bit crazy seeing as only seen him 3 times. When I told him I missed him he said “I know what you mean”.
Anyway I do feel so motivated and energetic and pretty happy.
Shopping today with Susan. Will be good to see her.