August 2005

1st Aug
Feel maybe getting a little stronger in body and mind. I feel well enough to get back in the gym and to take control of my body and mind.
Have been at home for a couple of days.
I really couldn’t move back here, not to this house.
I get a new car tomorrow so this will help with my independence.
My mum looks so unwell. We never really talk about it.
Went to the beach today with Nisha. I was so tired I fell asleep on the stones. It was a nice dreamy feeling, sleeping on the beach.
Keep thinking of Paul, helps to make me believe. What I really need to believe in is myself, that’s what Paul represents.
Been rubbing eyes, 2 weeks now. No wonder I feel so tired and sneezy and lacking in belief. Thing is, rubbing my eyes brings more relief to the tensions of it all than an orgasm, it’s more instantaneous than an orgasm. At the same time, I’m longing to be touched, not so much in a sex way, just to have a man run his hand over my back as we caress. To have someone to hold me as I hold him.

2nd Aug
Will I ever get to where I want to be?
When will I start to believe in my story again?
Still rubbing eyes and face, dying for a cigarette. Couldn’t get back to Exeter today. Got super new car. Dad has been a grumpy sulky idiot, unloved and taken for granted, mum has been a martyr. Remind me to remember moving back in to this house would be a terrible idea.
It’s late, I want to be asleep. I have a glass of wine, I want a cigarette.
I am feeling so much better.
Be patient with myself. Will get back in the gym Thursday so this is great. Have car can go places. Symbolic, getting me back on the road again in a better but same car as before.
Back home. Sarah here. Feel so crappy. Hope I can get to the gym in the morning. Hope I can make it through the night without rubbing my eyes.
I hope I have a Paul Evans dream. I hope I awake feeling like I can believe in it all, in myself.

Want to get back to writing. What has happened to lead story on?

my mum being ill
arguing with my dad
new car
feeling low
trying to get back on the treadmill
the bluetones (P.E. stuff)
rubbing eyes
Nisha and Thomas

Please God help me get back on track, back on the treadmill.

Rubbed eyes, glands up. Fell out with Si. Feel so weak and unbelieving.
Please God bring back the love.
Please let me see the signs.

Went to gym. Went to opticians. Went for a damn fantastic shop with Kayell and Liza. Sorted stuff out with Si. When I drove home all the lights turned to green without me having to wait. That’s a positive sign.
Thank you God x

Got tidied up. So tired. Wish had a love in my life. It will come.
Went out after long day at work, to Timepiece with Jo and Michelle. Met this 25 year old who kept telling me I was “stunning”. He was lovely, I took him home as I thought it was a good way to stop me rubbing my eyes. I didn’t want to have sex, we didn’t, but it was so nice to have someone touch and caress me and hold me all night.

Good day. Watch Sex and City.

“the unexamined life is not worth living” But what if the examining becomes your life. Is that living or just procrastinating?
Is it time to stop questioning?

Am not writing much for I do not want to end this book without a perfect happy ending.
I’m watching ‘Shakespeare in Love’ and like him, I need a muse. I need love. I am thinking of Jim so much, a distraction from Paul, both my muses.
But I need to look my best to attract my muse so I need to stop rubbing my eyes, regain my sparkle and lose some pounds and get myself sorted again.
But can you have a perfect happy ending in real life?

Just been thinking about Jim so much. It’s not helped by an album I bought
‘Long-View’. It seems it’s all about him. I guess it’s love I’m missing rather than him.
Finding summer holidays hard as so little time to myself. Still rubbing eyes.
I don’t sleep well at night and it keeps ending that way.
Not been writing much. Need to believe in it again, in love, my search for love, find my self love, believe in myself.

‘I’ve waited for hours
Hours turned to days
Days turned to years
And I’m still here’

Better day today. Went to gym, tried to do things for Nisha. Feeling more beautiful. Thinking about Jim a lot. I guess that’s just me believing in love again and he was the last person I loved. He’s meant to be bringing my key back this week.
Bought ‘Long-View’ album.
So romantic, so want love.

“I’m sorry I don’t listen and
I’m selfish with my time
I know you don’t believe me
But you’re always on my mind
I know I’ve had two chances
You’ve already said goodbye
But please just re-consider once
And give me one more try”
“God’s love will save our lives
We’ll come shining bright
God’s love will save our sun
And thy will be done.”

Had lovely day watching beautiful Nisha play with friends.
18th Aug 05
Today I have felt fearful, fearful so I can’t live in the moment. It takes away my belief in myself and my dreams, it takes away the love I have for myself and for life. It makes me feel like I’m getting nowhere. It makes me feel stuck. Nisha and I had lunch with Angela, who used to live with Juliet. I really miss Juliet. She has moved to Poole now. Her baby is due 1st September, a boy. I wish I could see her again.
Then we went shopping. Fear of money, lack of money, stopped me buying the most cheapest of things that I love. I am going to go in tomorrow and buy those things.
My money situation will change soon. I will get a job that I deserve.
I have been too scared to write, to finish this diary without a happy, romantic ending. It will finish happy, me being happy with myself. Tomorrow I will buy a new one and start a new chapter.
Tomorrow it is the full moon. The last full moon brought me to a period where I needed to heal myself, relax and retreat, heal my body. This is done now. The full moon tomorrow will bring me in to a cycle where I heal my mind, get back on track, go to the gym to find my positivity and determination.
I have been too scared to watch the last episode of Sex and the City, saving it up for when I felt my search for love was at an end, for when I’d found someone. Fuck that. I’ll watch it tonight and move on with my life. I will find my love for me and count all my blessings once again. I will get connected, I will see the signs, remember to look for them, to stay in the moment and see the wonder of life. I will pray and be thankful.
Later . . .
Actually, too tired to watch last ‘Sex and City’. Will do it tomorrow.

Too tired, to watch Sex and City.
Looking forward to Bluetones tomorrow night. Got fab outfit sorted.
Am hoping I meet the band.
Paul just texted, he’s gonna be there . . .
– different Paul
Had lots of text with Paul, he wanted to come round for sex. I told him I don’t want just sex.
I feel like men are such bastards. Once again I can’t sleep and have rubbed my eyes and face.
I am so tired of it. It’s the middle of the night and I have woken once again and have rubbed my eyes and face. I feel like I want to do it really hard, really hurt myself just so I can take a few days off from the world. But I can’t even do that, I have to work, I have Nisha. I fuckin hate it.
I don’t believe in love
I need help
I need sleeping pills
I need counselling again
I know it’s my lack of belief making me do this but why hasn’t God given me any signs to restore my faith?