April 2005

16th April
I haven’t written for ages as I have been too busy floating away! I am totally and utterly blown away by Jim! I can’t explain well enough how fantastic all this is. I have only known him for 4 weeks yet it seems like a lifetime. It doesn’t seem real, too good to be true, like I’m dreaming. He thinks I’m the one and I’m so sure he is the one for me, though I feel so sure of it that it may not be real.
He lifts me up, makes me feel so comfortable with myself, makes me feel like my best self.
We have talked about marriage and children and it’s so crazy that we are not freaked out one bit by it!
This is what I always dreamed of, not being patient, being passionate, just being me.
Thankyou God and the universe. X
17th April, 3.30 a.m.
Dear diary,
I can’t sleep and I have rubbed a patch of my face on my jaw in my sleep. When’s it going to end? I woke at half 2, rubbed my eyes, not too bad but enough to make me feel tired and look sad. A bad night, Jim is away. He knows nothing of this, or maybe he does as it is written on my face. My plan is to tell him tonight.
If he is the one, then he will understand and help to heal me.

‘Fall in to a spin
Shed another skin
Strip away all your protection’

‘Do everything you fear
In this there’s power
Fear is not to be afraid of’’
Horoscope, Thursday 15th April ‘05

26th April ‘05
I crashed my car the other day, went up the back of someone. Had to do Nisha’s birthday party straight after. It was horrible and I am so upset about the car as I totally loved it! I managed to tell my sister today but I don’t think I’ll tell my parents until they get back from holiday next week.
I feel like such a mess. It is no wonder I crashed as I have been so stressed out and distracted, like my head is a de-tuned radio.
I am worried I may be pregnant. Things with Jim have gone a bit ‘normal’ and I’m having a real reality check after the last month of passion and love. I still really like him. I feel it’s me causing the problem.
28th April
All the last month I have hardly written a thing in my diary. I have felt so happy I have not felt the need to but I am thinking that I will start writing more frequently. BAD days have been becoming more and more common, which makes me turn to writing. But I should document the good stuff too.
Managed to get to bed without rubbing my eyes but did end up rubbing one in my sleep. Mornings are hard. I can’t find much motivation. I hope today will be a doing day. Today I am grateful for my wonderful daughter, my supportive friends, Jim, my creativity.

What a day! Have done so much today and ended up in a panic at 5pm. Have been worrying about work, the car, applying for housing benefit, telling Jim about the former me. It’s been pretty awful. I’ve been doing too much.
I am so impatient for success and I forget how crazy being impatient makes me. I have forgotten that tomorrow may be totally different. Every day in the past ten has been pretty horrid, stemming from how I feel about how I look. I have been rubbing my eyes and now also my face, not much, but just enough to make myself looked tired and concerned that people are looking at my skin.
I haven’t been going to the gym, sleeping enough, eating or drinking enough, (smoking too much), doing anything creative, being me, etc etc.
I feel like I’m spinning plates, and I hate it.